The Guilt Epidemic
We all know that mothers who work outside the home feel guilty about spending too little time with their kids. Stay-at-home mothers worry that they are “wasting” their educations or providing poor roles models for their children. Breastfeeding moms feel guilty if they sometimes resent being so physically tied to their babies. Bottle-feeding mothers fret that they aren’t providing the “best” for their children. Moms feel guilty that their dedication to motherhood makes their romantic relationships suffer. Guilt fills mothers whether they hold their babies too much or too little, are strict or lenient, tidy or messy, avid or indifferent cooks, creative or rule-followers. Whatever they do, moms are constantly second-guessing themselves, trying to be the best moms they can be. And then, as if all this self-doubt and guilt weren’t enough, moms feel guilty simply for not loving being a mom every minute of every day.
Mother-guilt has become an American epidemic. Most of these guilt-ridden mothers are, in reality, exemplary mothers. Yet almost every mother I have ever met, once she is honest with herself, has admitted that she has often felt guilty about some aspect of her mothering.
Something is wrong here. Most of the moms I know want desperately to be good mothers, often more than anything else in life. These thoughtful and generous mothers love their children, carefully consider each of their parenting choices, and try very hard to be selfless, loving and balanced in their dealings with their kids. They agonize over every decision, berate themselves if ever they feel bored, and slather on self-loathing if they occasionally (and inevitably) lose their tempers. When they fall short of their own high expectations of themselves, which happens often, they feel terribly, horribly guilty.
Not only do mothers seem to feel guilty about everything, they also seem to think that no one else feels quite so torn about this, and that everyone else is “doing” motherhood so much better. Mothers tell me with envy and shame that they know this other mother (usually her best friend or sister-in-law or neighbor or office-mate or neighbor or maybe all of them) who is the perfect mother. This imaginary woman looks great, seems content with her decisions, and appears to balance all her roles effectively and effortlessly. Why is it no one seems to feel that she is herself the object of that admiration?
First, let me tell you that feeling uncertain and occasionally guilty about whatever decisions you’ve made about motherhood is completely NORMAL. Most mothers, (even, and I believe, especially, women who are lovely people and unquestionably good moms,) question their choices and worry about their lack of confidence or constant bliss. Most women do not love mothering all the time. Most moms occasionally think or do things that they wish they hadn’t. And because so many moms believe that no one else feels nearly as isolated or incompetent or maybe as unhappy as they feel, they don’t tell each other. This is really too bad, because in the telling, they usually discover that they are not alone.
So please believe that mothers today feel guilty not because they are lousy mothers. In fact, as a culture, we are probably more educated and aware of what children need than at any time before. This mother-guilt comes from unrealistic expectations of mothers, and from women’s overly high expectations of themselves. Guilt arises when mothers don’t talk to each other, don’t share their own fears or disappointments, and often don’t support each other’s choices when they differ too greatly from their own.
After years listening to women talk about their motherhood, both professionally and socially, one thing is very clear. Women want to be good mothers, they try very hard to be good mothers, and they are extremely hard on themselves and each other.
So I suggest that we inoculate ourselves against this epidemic of mother-guilt, and this is how: Talk to other mothers. More importantly, listen to other mothers. Be supportive of your own choices as well as the choices of others. Accept that if you make a parenting decision carefully and with good intentions, it will be OK. If your friend or co-worker does things differently, know that her choice is not a criticism of you, and she will probably be OK, too. Know that there are many, many ways to be a good mother, and not all things work for all families. If you find what works for you, then accept yourself. Remember that it is rare to love every minute of anything you do, know that you will do some things really well and others less so, and that’s normal, even in motherhood. Let yourself relax into enjoying motherhood guilt-free.¼br> ¼/p>
