Love should not hurt - I tell my psychotherapy clients, my students and my kids.  Now I wish I could tell Rihanna and all abused “loved” ones.  When a partner uses physical violence, it is time to say good-bye.

The evidence shows that it is a rare abuser who reforms.   A man who beats his partner is unlikely to be able to stop himself, despite taking anger management classes, when he gets truly upset or frustrated. Don’t be the person who hopes beyond reason that your man will be different, or that you can help him.

If you are in a romantic relationship with a person who beats you up, GET OUT!  Domestic violence rarely gets better.  It almost always gets worse.

No one deserves to be hit or pushed.  If your loving but volatile partner hits you, it is NEVER your fault, no matter what you said or did.  Too many women stay for “love.”  If you are cut and bruised while dating, with no sick children, no mortgage payments due, no real troubles, that is not love.  And when you are dating, you can get out easily. But even if you are married to an abuser, you still need to get out as soon as possible.  It isn’t good for you, it isn’t good for the kids, and it isn’t love.  Go to a shelter, to a friend’s house, to the police, to family, but get out.

Even the best relationships will have tough times.  You deserve a partner who will share responsibility and supports you through everything.  Don’t for a minute believe that someone who could abuse you once will not resort to violence again.

Love should not hurt.  If it does, it isn’t the kind of love you deserve. Get out now.

One of the concerns I hear most from new moms is the discomfort about having no control.  Many mothers of young children struggle with how little of their lives they are able to control.  Young children operate on their own schedules with their own, often perplexing agendas, and good moms try to keep organized and on top of things.  No matter how hard one tries, though, sometimes things just don’t go as planned.

My advice?  Try to let it go.  There is only so much of life one can truly control anyway.  If you can, learn to let life happen.  When you try to direct or control every minute, every outcome, you feel guilty or inadequate when you don’t achieve what you had hoped.  But when you can relax a bit, enjoy the more natural, unplanned moments, good things often happen.  And even if they don’t, at least you won’t feel so frustrated.

Take a close look at the trailer for the new Tina Fey - Amy Poehler movie, Baby Mama -(ttp://www.babymamamovie.net)  Right after the close up of Tina Fey talking about wanting a baby, you see her pulling a book off a shelf, and right next to it is my book, The New Mom’s Companion!!!  Thanks, Tina, although you should have chosen MY book!

Baby Weight – Jennifer Lopez as Role Model?

“Jennifer Lopez in No Rush to Lose Pregnancy Weight!”  I read the headline with excitement.  I was thrilled to see, finally, one post-pregnancy celebrity claiming to embrace her post partum body.  She’s quoted, referring warmly to her loose belly fat, and again, I think, ‘Yes!  A real role model at last!” But I keep reading.  While she claims to be in no hurry to regain her pre-pregnancy body, she also has plans to enter a triathlon in the fall. She may say she is in no hurry to get rid of the baby fat, but training to compete in a triathlon in just a few months makes me question the sincerity of her proclaimed love of baby fat.

I am disappointed in the many beautiful and unnaturally thin celebrities who have given birth recently.  A few short weeks after delivering, they appear on TV and in magazines looking rested, glamorous and trim. The mere mortals among us, those real, non-famous women without full time nannies, housekeepers, personal trainers, make-up artists and professional chefs, see these beauties and compare themselves.  Forgetting that it is the celebrity’s job to look gorgeous, that comparison often makes them feel inadequate. 

Non-celebrity new mothers spend their days being the nannies, housekeepers, chefs and chauffeurs, and many hold jobs outside the home as well.  Most take care of their loved ones without the staff of round-the-clock helpers.  Regular mothers have trouble finding the time to take a shower, let alone get enough rest and exercise and a manicure or makeover.  Busy taking care of others, many mothers forget about taking care of themselves.  Losing a few extra pounds is not usually something that a new mother can (or even should) devote much time or energy to – having these celebrities as role models just isn’t realistic or fair.

My client, Olivia, gave birth via c-section just eight weeks ago.  By all objective measures, Olivia looks great.  She visited me recently, dressed in jeans and a flattering top, her hair shiny and well-cut. She brought her new baby, who slept like an angel while we chatted.  Mother and baby were adjusting well, in almost all ways, but Olivia was very dissatisfied with herself.  One of her biggest concerns was that none of her clothes fit her. “I look awful,” she said.

“You are just eight weeks post delivery!!!” I told her.  “I think you look great.”   And while she could acknowledge that she looks pretty good for so soon after a c-section, she is still discouraged that she doesn’t fit into some of her pre-pregnancy clothes.  She feels uncomfortable and sloppy and just bad about herself.

I am angry that we live in a society so charmed by the super-thin, and it pains me that this preoccupation with paring women down to a size 2 (in Hollywood, size zero is the goal) affects not only gymnasts and teenagers.  Many normal, healthy women feel bad about themselves every day, and new mothers in particular feel inadequate when they don’t immediately shed those extra pregnancy pounds.  Oddly, in all my work with mothers and children, I’ve never seen a correlation between thinness and happiness, or thinness and being a good mother.  Why, then, do so many women judge themselves on their weight, and so few on their warmth, loyalty, creativity, humor, kindness, intelligence, or generosity?  Even when a new mother feels she is giving everything she has to her family and friends, despite knowing she is a loving partner and efficient worker, she can feel terrible about herself for being to “fat.” 

I’d like to see less interest in how physically attractive a woman is or isn’t.  I’d like to see genuine tolerance and appreciation for what a woman’s body goes through to give birth, along with acceptance of what that body looks like, sometimes for a long time, afterwards.  If it is normal for women to take some time, maybe many months, to regain their pre-pregnancy figures (and it is) why don’t we accept and applaud that?  Instead of admiring a woman who, just weeks after delivery, fits into all her tiny, slinky old clothes, why don’t we compliment a new mother on her voluptuousness?  Congratulate her on how well her body has served her and her baby?  Maybe more to the point, why do we care what she looks like at all?

I wish that no on really cared whether or not Jennifer Lopez has a little extra belly fat.  I wish that all new mothers were proud of their bodies and instead, focused on the most important aspects of motherhood – how to love and nurture their babies, feel good about themselves both as people and as mothers, how to be a good partner.  I wish we were more interested in whether or not our celebrities are warm, giving, bright, interesting and loving people, and not whether or not they have flat tummies. So while Jennifer Lopez’s supposed embracing of her post-delivery body is wonderful, I wish she weren’t in such a hurry to whip that body into triathlon-ready shape so soon.

We all know that mothers who work outside the home feel guilty about spending too little time with their kids.  Stay-at-home mothers worry that they are “wasting” their educations or providing poor roles models for their children.  Breastfeeding moms feel guilty if they sometimes resent being so physically tied to their babies. Bottle-feeding mothers fret that they aren’t providing the “best” for their children.  Moms feel guilty that their dedication to motherhood makes their romantic relationships suffer. Guilt fills mothers whether they hold their babies too much or too little, are strict or lenient, tidy or messy, avid or indifferent cooks, creative or rule-followers.  Whatever they do, moms are constantly second-guessing themselves, trying to be the best moms they can be.  And then, as if all this self-doubt and guilt weren’t enough, moms feel guilty simply for not loving being a mom every minute of every day.

Mother-guilt has become an American epidemic. Most of these guilt-ridden mothers are, in reality, exemplary mothers.  Yet almost every mother I have ever met, once she is honest with herself, has admitted that she has often felt guilty about some aspect of her mothering.

Something is wrong here.  Most of the moms I know want desperately to be good mothers, often more than anything else in life.  These thoughtful and generous mothers love their children, carefully consider each of their parenting choices, and try very hard to be selfless, loving and balanced in their dealings with their kids.  They agonize over every decision, berate themselves if ever they feel bored, and slather on self-loathing if they occasionally (and inevitably) lose their tempers.  When they fall short of their own high expectations of themselves, which happens often, they feel terribly, horribly guilty.

Not only do mothers seem to feel guilty about everything, they also seem to think that no one else feels quite so torn about this, and that everyone else is “doing” motherhood so much better.  Mothers tell me with envy and shame that they know this other mother (usually her best friend or sister-in-law or neighbor or office-mate or neighbor or maybe all of them) who is the perfect mother.  This imaginary woman looks great, seems content with her decisions, and appears to balance all her roles effectively and effortlessly.  Why is it no one seems to feel that she is herself the object of that admiration?

First, let me tell you that feeling uncertain and occasionally guilty about whatever decisions you’ve made about motherhood is completely NORMAL.  Most mothers, (even, and I believe, especially, women who are lovely people and unquestionably good moms,) question their choices and worry about their lack of confidence or constant bliss.  Most women do not love mothering all the time. Most moms occasionally think or do things that they wish they hadn’t.  And because so many moms believe that no one else feels nearly as isolated or incompetent or maybe as unhappy as they feel, they don’t tell each other.  This is really too bad, because in the telling, they usually discover that they are not alone.

So please believe that mothers today feel guilty not because they are lousy mothers.  In fact, as a culture, we are probably more educated and aware of what children need than at any time before.  This mother-guilt comes from unrealistic expectations of mothers, and from women’s overly high expectations of themselves.  Guilt arises when mothers don’t talk to each other, don’t share their own fears or disappointments, and often don’t support each other’s choices when they differ too greatly from their own.

After years listening to women talk about their motherhood, both professionally and socially, one thing is very clear.  Women want to be good mothers, they try very hard to be good mothers, and they are extremely hard on themselves and each other. 

So I suggest that we inoculate ourselves against this epidemic of mother-guilt, and this is how:  Talk to other mothers.  More importantly, listen to other mothers.  Be supportive of your own choices as well as the choices of others.  Accept that if you make a parenting decision carefully and with good intentions, it will be OK.  If your friend or co-worker does things differently, know that her choice is not a criticism of you, and she will probably be OK, too.   Know that there are many, many ways to be a good mother, and not all things work for all families.  If you find what works for you, then accept yourself.  Remember that it is rare to love every minute of anything you do, know that you will do some things really well and others less so, and that’s normal, even in motherhood.  Let yourself relax into enjoying motherhood guilt-free.¼br> ¼/p>